Back at it.....

So I took a little hiatus to find myself as a transplant in a new city with new rules.  Well, let me fill you in on my little happenings.  Got my new place and I have found that Atlanta has a great night life.  So much to do and not enough time in the day.  The daily activities are pretty artsy.  There is always an exhibit or new theater performance.  The men are pretty nice to look at as well ;)  As a woman in her wonderful 30's, this brown eyed girl has come to a conclusion about herself.  I am quite happy were I am.  The cake has icing, oh, and it's that good butter cream with a hint of rich cocoa.  My career is going in the right direction and I feel fulfilled in every way, so why do I feel like something is missing?

It is a nagging feeling.  I can't describe it. It's truly Limbo.  All of my good girlfriends are either boyfriended up or married.  Some have gorgeous kids or a new home or both.  I am so happy for them because they all deserve such happiness.  It made me ask the question, "Do I want that?"  Such a good question.  I mean I feel the pressure to have that.  I sometimes really want it.  I don't think that I want it enough to make it me life though.  And, why not?  I mean, they are all so happy.  What the hell is it that I want?!

I have been dating over these couple of months.  Nothing has really stuck. But, I have been trying-ish.  I am not really trying that hard.  Why?  Because I don't think a boyfriend is really what I want.  Here comes the Limbo.  I do want the great relationship.  I do want the white picket fence.  I do want the stability.  I do want someone to love, but I don't want the headache.  Dating for me has always been a pain in my ass!  Please, I say that with the least amount of distain.  I just hate it.  There!  The truth.  It is a painful numbers game.  How many dates must one go on before they find someone worth their time?  I have had boyfriends over the years.  Why didn't those work out?

I know the answer to that question.  A couple were because I was too young.  A couple were because we wanted different things from life.  One was because I just stopped giving a damn.  I have to admit something.  I have never been broken up with.  All of my serious relationships ended at my own hands.  I am not quite sure what that says about me.  I am not a cold person.  I tend to love with everything I have, but I just don't want to waste my time.  There comes a point in every relationship where there is a crossroads.  That tends to be when I end it.  I evaluate the relationship and ask myself if I am happy.  If the answer is no, your pink slip is in the mail.  I have had no regrets so far.  I know one day it will bite me  in the ass, but that day is not today.

     So, here I am.  Just writing.  Trying to figure out this life of mine before it's to late.  That's what we all want.  We are all trying to beat the sandman before he turns our lights out and we look back on life with something to prove to ourselves.  Were we really happy?  Did we do all the things we wanted or needed to do?  Do we feel fulfilled?  Then again..........